No trust

If you can't trust someone close to you, who can you trust? I swear, my ability to trust anyone is very limited. People that I held very close to my heart and whom I had shared my most intimate secrets with, have betrayed me.
I wonder if I will ever give trust away again or as easily as I did before. At this point in time, I would say no. It is too hard to put your heart out there to only have it get stomped on. It doesn't feel good to get hurt emotionally. I know I am not the only person to feel like this. My heart tells me to be guarded, and my mind says that I need to let go and take a "leap of faith". I am so confused.

So, what do I do now? Only time will tell. I suppose I should use my mind, but my heart used to be so big and now it feels so tiny. Some days are bad (like today), but others I feel like I am trying.

Oh well... I have to get on with my life.

Sanya

Six years later...

I am the mother of a six year old! It is hard to believe that. My oldest child changed my life. It has never been the same. What an amazing journey it has been. Not only going from being a wife, but then blossoming into a mother of a daughter. I remember holding her when she was a newborn and just sobbing because I loved her so much. At that very moment I knew what it was like for my parents to hold me and to love me. Whenever a mother would tell me about the bond that she had with her child, I didn't understand... until that moment. Alyssa has grown up right before my eyes. She is amazingly beautiful (I often wonder how that happened! LOL) and so intellegent (she gets that from her dad!). I realize that becoming a mother made me grow up in so many ways. I was 24 when I had her, but even though I was in my adult years... I had no idea what it was like to have someone totaly dependent on me. What you feel for your spouse is intense, but what you feel for your child is so deep, so raw that you would do ANYTHING to protect them from harm. To be there to dry her tears when she falls and scrapes her knee, to hold her while reading her a book (and while she reads a book to me!) and to just be there for her no matter what.

Not only was Saturday her 6th birthday, but Sunday was Mothers Day and I got to reflect on how much my life has changed in 6 very short years. I love her as well as my two other children. I am truely, truely blessed.

Off to bed now!

Sanya

Six years later...

I am the mother of a six year old! It is hard to believe that. My oldest child changed my life. It has never been the same. What an amazing journey it has been. Not only going from being a wife, but then blossoming into a mother of a daughter. I remember holding her when she was a newborn and just sobbing because I loved her so much. At that very moment I knew what it was like for my parents to hold me and to love me. Whenever a mother would tell me about the bond that she had with her child, I didn't understand... until that moment. Alyssa has grown up right before my eyes. She is amazingly beautiful (I often wonder how that happened! LOL) and so intellegent (she gets that from her dad!). I realize that becoming a mother made me grow up in so many ways. I was 24 when I had her, but even though I was in my adult years... I had no idea what it was like to have someone totaly dependent on me. What you feel for your spouse is intense, but what you feel for your child is so deep, so raw that you would do ANYTHING to protect them from harm. To be there to dry her tears when she falls and scrapes her knee, to hold her while reading her a book (and while she reads a book to me!) and to just be there for her no matter what.

Not only was Saturday her 6th birthday, but Sunday was Mothers Day and I got to reflect on how much my life has changed in 6 very short years. I love her as well as my two other children. I am truely, truely blessed.

Off to bed now!

Sanya

The sun is shining yet again!!!

After what seemed like an eternity... we have sunshine again. This weekend looks nice. In the 80's is what I heard. YAY! Just in time for the good old Kentucky Derby. You see us freaks down here on the Ohio river get really excited about horses running around a track. So much so that we start partying about 2 weeks before hand! I don't really get into all of that... but it is fun to participate every once in a blue moon.
And thier off! LOL.... I may have to post my prediciton before Saturday. Any takers???
Well it is late. I suppose i should head to bed.
Hope to post again soon!

Sanya

April Showers bring May flowers...right??

This past month (mind you the month I am born in) has been so dark and depressing here. I can't even count the numerous days we had that were spent inside because of the downpouring outside. My poor kids... cooped up in the house for days at a time. I have come to realize that the weather plays a huge part in my moods. If it is nice outside, then I usually feel energized and ready to get things done and run all over the place. If it is dark and dreary... I want to hybernate in my house and draw the shades closed. Maybe most of this is stemming from my recent birthday. I turned 30! What a milestone in my life. I am trying to look on the bright side. I have 3 beautiful children (all before I turned 30). I started going back to school around 4 years ago, and while I am nowhere near graduation with my degree... I can at least say I am a student and know what my goal is. I have learned that a 7 year marriage can loose its luster and then shine again. Even when you think that there is no way possible for it to get better, it somehow does. Marriage is work. See, they don't tell you this when you are all goo-goo eyed and head over heals for your soul mate! It comes years after that you figure it out. I am so grateful that we did figure most of it out and continue to learn ways to become better with each other. It is a new journey!

Ok... Ambien is starting to kick in... so I better stop this post here... You never know what I might say! LOL...
See you next time!