Missing someone

I haven't been able to post anything for awhile. Been busy with summer. I love being outside when it is so nice out. Although it has been hot lately.

Anyway, back to what I was wanting to type... I am missing my dad so much lately. It has been a hard 5 months. It just feels like it will never get any better. Like the pain will always be raw and I will always have such emotion about it. Loosing someone so close to you really hurts. It tears into the very core of you. At least that is how it is for me. I know what it feels like to lose a loved one (my mom's parents both passed on) and I did hurt, but this is so much more intense than that. My husband made me a photojam that has lots of pictures of my father and set it to music. The song is so hard to listen too, but I feel so much better after watching it a few times and getting the emotion out. Not only do i feel the loss, I also am harboring so much anger. I find myself hating the person that killed him. I know it was an accident and I feel guilty for even thinking like that. I have also wondered why others that have had a chance in thier lifetime to be a good person are still here on this earth and he is not. When he was such a good man. I know... isn't that just horrible? I am at constant battle with myself over this. Who am I to think like that? But, yet I do! I have never harbored so much anger and frustration in my whole life.

I just miss my Dad so much. With Fathers Day coming up, I am so sad. Every holiday has been a struggle since he died. It has only been 5 months. But, in that time, we have had to deal with what would have been my parents 31st wedding anniversary, my mom's birthday, Ashley's birthday (grandpa's girl!), my 30th birthday & Alyssa's birthday. Each one was hard. People say all of the "first" holidays are the hardest. I think that has been true so far.

Anyway, it is late. Until next time...